Relationship boys 

If you don’t know what counterpoint is I suggest you listen to this song by The Beach Boys, pay close attention the rich overlaying of the vocal harmonies. Or better yet listen to Bach. My wife Grace today asked her why I like her so much, and it just came to me instantly she was the counterpoint melody that enriches my life. Counterpoint is two different overlaying melodies that compliment each other in harmony. They are different but simply add a synergy that each part alone doesn’t have by itself. Counterpoint is the synergy in musical form two or more parts that the whole is greater than the parts. It wasn’t always so, there once were discordant times in the composition of our relationship, actually many discordant times. Through great work, and love, and discipline, and practice we are now a beautiful whole, and cleaved together as it was meant to be. 

I watch often as single friends repeat the same mistakes I once made. Desperately needing another person to complete them. The truth is the hole is a God shaped hole and it’s filled by the loving of ourselves, as we are, and the example of the perfect parent is the only thing I’ve found to fill that aching, longing, searching emptiness. From there I began to wholly love myself warts and all. I no longer despise the mirrors reflection, I am enough, I am whole, I am lovable, I am wanted. In spite of this hole we stayed together through stormy years of discord, and once I became enough, I didn’t need her. I didn’t need her to support me—emotionally, financially, or any other means, because I was whole now, and I was enough, sometimes even extra. Then and only then we could simply want to support each other, and it became collaborative. We now share wholeness which I think was the point of the Greek idea of halves until joined. 

I think this idea led people away from completeness. That until they found that perfect person they were incomplete, but once again we stumble on another spiritual paradox. One whole plus one whole equals one whole. Two halves in this equation never equal one whole. While we were not two wholes when we came together. She, I’ll admit was much more close to being whole than I was, and she carried me for many years of the relationship. Most of the relationship wasn’t fifty fifty, it was mostly ninety ten for most of the years. Her perseverance it what kept us going, her hard nosed stubbornness kept us afloat. It also gave her what she accepted for many years, which was a selfish uncooperative husband. When she finally had enough is when I changed. 

It was over and there was no grand gesture to fix it. We would divorce as soon as I was financially stable, and that was that. The threats of this didn’t do it, the fighting, the scuffling, nothing did it but the end. In the end with nothing I could do to solve the problems I decided to see what would make me happy. Selfishness in this case was the most unselfish way to couple. I could no longer be cajoled into fixing things around the house, because why bother it’s not going to fix the marriage, that irritated her, but she stated clearly I could live indoors on the condition of my sobriety. I wasn’t going any extra yards since it was through. But another paradox emerged through selfishly finding what made me happy. I became easier to tolerate, even lovable. Forcing yourself into a situation you don’t fit will never be a good fit, and while I was forcing myself into a mold I didn’t fit into I was always uncomfortable. 

Human being are all like different geodes, shaped in their own heat, fire, pressure, and situations. Ugly situations which should always produce more ugliness, but it isn’t so when a supernatural force enacts upon them. When this supernatural force is in play we get geodes of immense beauty which on the outside appear average rocks. Crystals and how things crystallize is very interesting to me, because it’s anomalous and we don’t fully understand this process. I’ve heard the worst cases of abuse in my practice, done to some of the most giving, and beautiful people. I’ve also seen it go the other way where they become the abuser themselves, the secret ingredient of whether they become something beautiful from the torture, or something hideous is God. 

Last night I made a list of my favorite things, and the top of that list was my wife’s smile, my relationship today with my children, when my kitten suckles on the blanket he holds my finger with his paw. Yes my cool things also made the list and many were bought, but the most precious items on the list cannot be purchased for any price other than time and love. These are ineffably beautiful to me so much so that thinking about them makes me cry tears of joy. 

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